Ask Pam

Pam is the Dear Abby for the GLBT Community. If you have Questions concerning anything, just Ask Pam!!!

Dear Pam,
I am a gay mother of two wonderful boys ages 13 and 12. Had them with my past partner but six years ago due to a drunk driver she has passed and is up there watching over me and our children I just know it. Well I have met this wonderful butch woman who is amazing, loving, compassionate, caring, and most of all loves me for me. But the problem is my older son does not care for her to much, and that really bothers me. He was very disrespectful towards her one night and I punished him and he is now angry towards me. She does look like a man and I am thinking maybe because he is a teenager it bothers him that his mother is a lesbian and has a partner. I do not know but my partner is so tolerant towards his behavior and its wonderful, but I am afraid one day that she will blow her top and leave, and my theory is, am I not allowed to be happy? For six years I poured myself into my children and did not have a relationship with anyone, and really the one I have now just sort of happened. We met by chance at a gay pride meeting and we had dinner after and ever since then we have been together. I do however spend time with my children and do all I can for them. I guess what I am trying to say is, why is he being so bitter and is it wrong for me to be in a relationship?
Thanks for your input,
Concerned Mother &Lover


Dear Concerned:
Having just lived through this with a 16 year old daughter...this is an easy one!
To go straight to the heart of it, No, it is not wrong for you to want to have a relationship. But in the same sense, it is not wrong for you son to want to keep his relationship with you. You have your feelings and expect him to respect them, well, he has his feelings and you should respect them, too.
At the age of your boys, you will find that in the next few years they will change their feelings about different things and different people many times over. The most important thing for you to do and show them, is that their feelings are always important! One day they will be proud that they have a Great mother, and other days...You are nothing more than a pimple on their ass!
Now having said all that, You are completely entitled to have a life and relationships are a huge part of that. You have spent so many years giving all of yourself to the boys and it may be that the oldest is jealous that someone else is cutting in to his time with you and his life. This would be a great opportunity for you to have discussions with him about growing up and how relationships are important to adults and that no matter how many other people come into your family dynamics, your kids always come first in your heart. I completely agree with disciplining your son for being disrespectful, but I'm betting that he thinks you were taking her side over his, hence the anger.
You said that he doesn't much care for her, so you need to let him know that he doesn't have to like her, but he does have to respect your feelings about her and in return you will respect his feelings. Lets face it, we have all had a friend or family member that was in a relationship with someone that we thought was wrong for them, and we usually don't keep our mouth shut about it. In the next few years, your son will probably have a relationship that you don't agree with and you may not necessarily handle it right, so maybe cut him some slack in that regard.
It's a good thing that your partner is so tolerant, because these are tough years for the boys and may get worse before it gets better. Lets face it, Families Fight, and if that's all it takes for a partner to leave, then your really didn't need that one in your family. If she hangs in there and works hard to show your son that she wants to fit into HIS family (not him trying to fit into your new family), in time everything will work out fine.
You just got to hang in there.


Dear Pam,
I just saw your site for the first time tonight, and i must say that i was intrigued by your "Ask Pam" forum and i think it's awesome you are there for your site-goers :-) But i have a dilemma/question for you that i'd value your opinion on. the problem is, is that this girl that i've completely fallen in love with still lives with her ex-girlfriend, and says that there are circumstances as to why she can't move out yet. (*none of the reasons
seem validated to me though*) she says how much she loves me and tells me all these good things about "us" even though there really is no "us" yet. but she feels that if we want to see each other that we have to be
"secretive" about it and she doesn't want her ex to know that we talk or see each other. i don't understand this. she says she loves me, and i definitely know i'm in love with her, but why won't she just say "see ya later" to her
ex if she cares so much about me? i told her i'll wait for her for as long as i need to b/c i see myself being with her for a long long time-she's not like anyone else i've ever met. i just wish she would decide what she
wants-keeping her ex "happy" in knowing that "my girl" isn't seeing or talking to anyone else, or letting me know that a relationship between the two of us is something she actually wants...not just says she wants.
...ugh..what do i do pam? should i say..well i can't live like this? or just wade it out and hope for the best?
~dazed, hurt , and confused  (*Ky*

Dear (*Ky*) ,
This may not be what you want to hear, but it seems to me that your friend is having her cake, and eating it too.  I see you told her you would wait for her for as long as you need, well I would retract that so you can either tell her you can't wait for her anymore and she needs to make a decision, or you don't tell her anything and just don't make yourself available to her for at least 1-2 monthes and see what happens.  
My question is to you, do you really want to be with someone who is cheating on both of you with someone else?  Who's to say she wouldn't do the same to you, if you were to get together.  Just remember...Actions speaks louder that Words! also you are #1 and you need to do whats best for you, so I suggest you let her go, don't be available for her, and see if she truly loves you.  Let me know what happens.
 Sincerely, Pam


I am a 30 year-old heterosexual married woman who is very " straight but not narrow".  I vote "gay pride",  I stand behind the gay community, and I try to encourage others to do the same.  I thought there was no homophobic I couldn't go head to head with in regards to gay issues.  I have met my match. One of my best girlfriends from high school has been living with a woman for 6 to 7 years now.  She's out, the girlfriend is not.  As a matter of fact, the 30-year old lesbian girlfriend is homofobic yes, she should be on Montel or Jerry Springer...and AND homophobic?!!}.  Now, far be it for me to tell someone she should come out of the closet (this is like a man telling a woman to forgo the epidual so she can enjoy childbirth naturally - if you can't experience the pain firsthand, keep your opinion to yourself!), let alone someone I've never met face to face.  I don't know how a grown woman who owns a house with another woman and spends all her time, vacations, etc with her could be fooling anyone, but again, not the point.The issue wouldn't even effect me - aside from the fact it is wreaking havoc on my best pal's relationship.  She won't hold her hand in public, go to office parties with her, or do anything where she thinks people may think she's gay.  {Who is this lady kidding???) If you saw her and found out she was straight, then you'd be surprised!}  Again, I digress....Her business is her business and that statement was a bit stereotypical--but I'm being honest here. The problem is that we are meeting them down in Key West for a long weekend.  Yes, Key West... The Mecca of the south for gay openness!  I, of course, want to see all the gay hot spots and immerse myself in the culture.  The girlfriend is freaked out that I my wear a gay pride t-shirt and if we go to gay places, people might think we are gay. Now, she's been to Key West before so she's aware straight people are in the minority, but her antigay sentiments are so strong she can't "see straight" ( horrible pun). How do I spend a weekend into he Keys with someone so obviously gay and so horrible pig headed?  I can usually combat bigotry, but her "issues" are so psychological, I don't know how to even begin to talk with her.  How do I respond when she says "I don't want to go in that gay bar, someone might think I'm gay!"? Tact, is not usually my best subject and my first response would be, "Sister, you drive a big rig, play softball, you're built like a linebacker, and like big boobies - no one would even entertain the idea you were straight - even a blind man would see through your charade.  Logic and genetics have already pushed you out of the closet on your ass so get up, dust yourself off, and start living like a happy healthy lesbian woman instead of a crazy, paranoid bigot!"  I don't think that will be the recipe for a fun weekend together so I'm asking for your help.

Respectfully yours, Straight but not Narrow

Dear Straight but not Narrow,                 
1st of all Lucky you for going to the Keys, have a good time.  I honestly don't know what to tell you.  This woman perhaps needs professional help in dealing with, well nothing more that herself.  I honestly think the response that you wrote would be the response I would have to go with, maybe add "The only person who cant SAY your gay is YOU! 
My question is what does her better half think about her not being able to say she is gay?  Not taking her to work functions, or anywhere where someone might think she is gay.  Most gay couples want to go to places where they can be viewed as a totally acceptable relationship, where they can be a couple out in public. 
She must have issues, but if your best friend deals with It and she is happy, well all I can say is go to the Keys and have a hell of a good time.  If she does say something about people thinking she is gay, just to pacify yourself, you might just say "You don't know your gay yet?  or what do you call the lifestyle you live on the planet you come from? or Oh My Gosh, this may come as a shocker to you but YOU ARE GAY, or there is GAY written all over you forehead and down to your toes....Oh I could go on and on.....
Have a safe trip! Sincerely, Ask Pam


 I'm Lisa and I'm 26 yrs old in Daytona beach Florida. Well the problem is I've been bisexual all my life and now I'm coming to a point in m life where I'm borderline crazy wondering about my sexuality and confused at the thought of it, not about being gay but what if I get married to a man and several years down the line I realize of my god I'm really gay which the thought doesn't bother me at all. I just don't want to hurt another human beings life. Well to be honest I've been with jay who is a guy for 3 yrs and he knows I'm bisexual but doesn't want me doing anything with anyone. I respect that but there are always going to be lesbian tendencies in my life. I cant ignore that lately we've been chatting about a wedding next march and I've been nervous slightly because of my sexuality crisis. I mean sometimes I feel well you are 26 yrs old you should know by now but other times I'm like ok I'm gay deal with it world here I am lol, I think I love jay because of the 3 yrs we have been together night and day in life plus how good and sweet he is to me. but on the other hand I always go to the gay clubs and dance with others in the lifestyle and feel absolutely free and like I can be myself. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I must also say that I've been to preachers, counselor and physiatrists and they all say its a faze, you don't know what you want, pray about it, just write in your journal and the answer will come to  you.. I'm damn exhausted doing all of  those things. all I know is that  I don't want to be in my 40"s or so wake up one day and say oh god I'm %100 gay what am I doing...its crazy .I will tell you I'm not ashamed of the gay life and I'm proud of it and I wear my rainbow bracelet and necklace out in public EVERYWHERE even around his family but they would have to buy a clue to realize what it means. they are upper middle class folks who don't live around that...I mean I even have a red shirt with white letters that say KISS ME IM A LESBIAN....but I never wear it some one I know said to me wear it for fun out in public just to see what happens and I'm like no I don't think so...please give me your thoughts and or questions about my situation to help shed some light on my mentally frantic situation.. I spend many nights  sleepless over this topic  

Thank you dearly , Lisa F.

Lisa, There is a couple of things that you could do to as they say "find yourself." 
1st put marriage on the back burner for at least 1 year, if you live with Jay, get your own place, be by yourself, you can date Jay but have the opportunity to date others too!
This will give you more of an insight of yourself by not being around someone all the time.  I don't know how Jay will feel about it but if he truly loves you, he should understand, especially knowing your bisexual.  Be honest with him, let him know you don't want to wake up one day feeling you are cheating him out of your ability of giving yourself to him totally.  I know a year sounds like a long time, however you have your whole life ahead of you and in reality a year is not that long.
The other advice is:
Get married, only if you truly love him, but it would have to be known to him (especially since he knows you are bisexual) that you may want a special lady in your life at some point and time.  This is not unusual, I see a lot of couples come to pride events where one of them is bisexual.  But will he be able to deal with this? Once again it depends on how much he loves you. 
I know you probably feel you are being selfish with your dilemma, but let me tell you that it is OK to feel selfish because you are #1, it is your life and you deserve to live it the way you want, however the hardest part sometimes is finding out how you want to live it.  That is why I say 1 year because you can get a lot of insight when you on your own for 1 year and figure out how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Let me tell you my story: I grew up in strict catholic family, I was the youngest of 4 girls.  I always had gay tendencies however when I was 21 I got married had 2 children and was divorced at 28.  Started going to gay bars and really started to understand my sexuality but it wasn't until I was 38 when I found my true love, Teresa who had 1 child but had never been married, we have been together going on 7 years and we just got married in Canada June 9 of this year. I feel like I wasted so much of my life, but then again I live for today where I have a wonderful partner and 3 great kids and 3 sweet grand kids. 
You have a lot to think about and some big decisions to make, all I can do is look at your life from an outside point of view and this is what I think and know.  Good luck in all you do and decide.  I am hear for you so email me if you need to or to just let me know what's happening.  Remember you are #1, although you don't want to hurt Jay now or 10 years down the road, but then again you don't want to settle or hurt yourself either.

Take Care,  Sincerely, Ask Pam

Dear Pam,
You have helped me out before, and now I need your advice once again. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months.  When we first met things were perfect, but things took a turn.  She started hanging out with old friends, who use drugs a lot.  Well, I work 3rd shift, and I found out she was partying with them every night that I worked.  I wasn't to happy about the ideal of her being out every night.  I talked to her about it a few times, and she thought I was overreacting.  It kept happening for almost 2 months, and finally I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to end things.  She was getting too deep in drugs.  And being raised around drugs my whole life, and both of my parents being alcoholics, I didn't want to go through that.  So I gave her a ultimatum, and she chose her friends and drugs.  Now its gotten worse.  She says that's the only way she knows how to deal with her problems.  I really don't know what to do.  She doesn't think she has a problem.  How do you know when it is a problem?  She says she needs me to be there right now, but I don't know how to be there.  Can you please help me?

1st of all when you gave her an ultimatum and she choose her friends and drugs, what did that tell you?  Now she is trying to make you feel guilty saying she needs you to be there right now.  Since you have been raised around drugs and alcohol you know people say things for the moment, not really meaning it, at least from the experiences that I've had with drug addicts and alcoholics.  All she is concerned about is her needs and wants.  What about your needs and wants?  I think you are to good of person to be brought down by her and you should stick to your ultimatum.  I know that it can be very hurtful to care about someone so much and they don't see what they are doing to themselves.  I suggest you give yourself some time and space from her to let her really see what she could lose.  I wish you the best, take care yourself and remember you are #1.

Ask Pam

Dear Pam:

               I have a friend that I used to date. We dated on and off for about a year. My parents never liked the idea of me hanging out with this girl, so I was forbidden to see her. Well, I started talking to her again, and now I have strong feelings for her again. The problem is that I have no clue if she feels the same way. She has a new life at her new home. She has new friends and everything, so I'm not sure if she likes anyone over where she lives, and if I ask her out, I'm afraid she'll just say know, and I'm totally in love with her. I can't stop thinking about her! What should I do???
                                              ....Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

It's really tough on you when you love someone and have no idea how they feel about you. Life is short, and you could spend needless wasted months or years pining for this girl. My advice is to just ASK!! The worst that could happen is that she tells you that she is not interested. And at that point you will at least know where you stand with her and you could start looking for the right girl for you. If she is interested, you will be a lot more happy that you didn't wait to ask.

Good Luck...Pam

Hi Pam:
I am a male 43 years old and gay, I have known this straight couple for about 10 years and have become best of friends.  They both know that I'm gay and accept it and think they are very open minded.  In the last 6 mos or so I been fantasizing about having sex with him and been asking him thru emails to come by for a drink, he has not accepted the offer yet.  I want to let him know that I would love to perform oral on him for some reason I think he would go for it.  He is a lot older than me in his 60's but really like him, I know that he has gone on trips and such with out his wife.  How do I let him know???

Do you really think this is something he would go for, or is it something that YOU really want? If you think he would not be offended by the proposition, go for it. But make sure that you are really willing to put your friendship on the line. Also, please ask yourself if you think that the 60 yr old would be willing to give up his marriage for a BJ.

Good Luck...Pam





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